
I love this picture of me and Chad on a dinner cruise in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.
Laura Crooks, director of Rehabilitation Medicine, shares how losing her son, Chad, sent Laura and her husband on a mission to eliminate the stigma around mental illness.
My son had mental illness.
It seems so strange to write those words. Instead, I want to write that he was creative and loving and gentle. I want people to know him as a big brother and a son who lived in a large and loving family. I want him to be famous for his dream of inventing bold new means of space travel. But today, the part of Chad’s life I am compelled to share is that he had mental illness.
Chad was diagnosed with schizophrenia in April 2015. One evening, not long after telling his father and me that he had been hearing voices, he became suicidal.
I remember that night like it was yesterday. I remember taking him in the car, his dad holding him in a blanket at 21 years old, just so he wouldn’t jump out of the car as we made the trip up Interstate 5 to the University of Washington Emergency Department.
I remember coaching Chad on what to say once we got there: to tell them he wouldn’t make it through the night if they let him go. I remember how hard it was as a mom to tell my son to say these things. But I also know the truth about limited resources for mental health, and that this was the only way for him to truly get help and to keep him safe.

Our whole family — me, my husband, Chad and our other three children — went to Cabo in July 2015. This was our first family vacation out of the country.
That night, he asked us not to tell his brothers and sister where he was. He asked that we simply tell them he was staying at a friend’s house. He thought they would think less of him for his illness, and that weighed heavily on Chad. The stigma attached to his illness was so strong and damaging.
You see, mental illness is not mental weakness, although we often look at it that way. It is a disease much like heart disease, diabetes or even cancer, but we often act as if that is not true. We might think that if the person was stronger, had a more supportive family or if they could just get their act together, they wouldn’t have this problem.
We attribute mental illness to people who have violent outbursts or who mutter to themselves. It is true that mental illness does affect some of those people. But it also affects those who are kind and gentle, funny and a little quirky. It affects those who are smart, even brilliant, and yet suffer in silence because they fear the stigma of their disease. The truth is, mental illness affects so many.
Over the course of nine months, Chad’s schizophrenia impacted him greatly at times. He held a job, but needed to modify his schedule. He was a student at Montana State University, but was forced to break from school, hoping to one day return. He had dark times when he would become frustrated and depressed at what this disease was doing to him.
Once, on vacation, we locked our hotel door so he wouldn’t leave and harm himself. Another time I remember holding and reassuring him after a suicide attempt when we were out of town away from resources.

I was so excited to see and hug Chad when we visited him during his first year of college at Montana State University in 2014.
Chad received medical care that proved laborious and was left in his hands to manage, which he became unable to do consistently. As his parents, we were left to be his care coordinators, helping him manage appointments and medications. With Chad being over age 18, when healthcare becomes much less parent-collaborative, this was not an easy task.
In doing his own research, Chad saw that the treatment for schizophrenia, like many mental illnesses, was one that would likely never cure his disease. He felt it slowly taking over who he was; the voices impacted his thinking, making him unable to sleep, and turning against him.
He lost hope, and in January Chad chose to end his disease in the only way he saw as an option. Chad died by suicide.
But this is not the end of his journey, nor of mine. I have a son who had mental illness. Even though his death has brought incredible pain, I also believe he is still with me, no longer plagued by his disease, and yet because of his disease others will benefit.
My husband and I have a new calling to eliminate the stigma associated with mental illness and to impact care so it can truly be effective. It’s a calling to encourage others to talk about mental illness openly and without judgment, so it is no longer perceived as shameful, and is instead seen as what it is — a disease. It’s a calling to improve healthcare so those with mental illness have better pathways for their disease, pathways that create health and hope.
I ask that you join my family and me in creating a place where we ultimately see mental illness not as weakness, but as a disease much like the other diseases we diagnose, support and effectively treat.
If you or someone you love is having mental health challenges or suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help. You matter here. I also invite you to visit www.chadslegacy.org to learn more and join us at this, a grand tipping point, and show those suffering around us that help is on the way.
Resources
- Washington Crisis Clinic: 866-4-CRISIS (274747)
- Forefront Innovations in Suicide Prevention
My heart goes out to you and your family! As a mother, I can only imagine the pain you feel from the loss of your son and I commend you for telling your story in hopes to help others.
Laura, thank you for sharing your story. My heart goes out to you and I am so sorry for your loss. I too have a son with schizophrenia. It has been quite a journey. My son is currently stable, and I give thanks for every good day, but I also brace myself for the possibility of bad days. I appreciate your efforts to end the stigma of mental illness. Blessings to you.
Thank you for sharing your story and Chad’s. There is so much I want to share, I am someone who struggles at times with bipolar, anxiety, depression etc.. I can say if I did not have my family and husband, I wouldn’t be here today. I hope your story reaches viral status and helps those who read it.
Thank you sharing. This was well written and heart felt. We are sorry for your loss but celebrate your resilience. Our family journey is similar, but not. Our daughter was diagnosed with clinical depression at age 17 her senior year of high school. We discovered as you did that there is a stigma toward mental illness but we also discovered how prevalent it is and that many of our friends and their families had been or are impacted as individuals and families. At 24, our daughter is better, most of the time, but her depression simmers in a murky aura for her and does impact her quality of life. It tugs at our heart strings, as we sometimes struggle to understand the dark hole of depression that she slips in and out of.
Laura, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Chad sounds like he was a special young man, and becoming more tormented by his disease. What a hard thing for all of you. Best of luck with your new calling and mission. Hugs.
I am very sorry.
I have Bipolar Disorder. For many years now (almost 20) I have struggled, trying many different medications, therapy’s, etc. Last November, I shared my story at Western Washington University at an event to remember those who had lost there lives to suicide. It was very freeing for me to talk openly about my life. I am much more open about my illness now. Two months ago, I went through a series of ECT treatments. It has changed my life. I don’t want to keep this a secret, because there could be someone who would benefit from this treatment. I am sorry for your loss. I am inspired by your efforts to eliminate the stigma surrounding mental illnesses.
My son was diagnosed with Schizophrenia in 1995 he also died by suicide in 1998. It was devastating.
I knew very little about Schizophrenia or what to do for him. I didn’t understand why he couldn’t just get his act together. I thought since he was 23 he should be able to get a job and get on with his life. I thought if he just tried harder he would be fine.
Because of the Privacy Act, his Dr. and counselers could not share any information with us. I feel there is a huge need for educating the families about Schizophrenia.
I also appreciate your efforts to end the stigma of mental illness. Thank You!
Thank you for sharing your story, my heart goes out to you. As a previous crisis counselor and case manager and working through an internship to obtain a full license as a Counselor in Texas I have seen how this stigma so negatively affects people. Others words either intentional or unintentional can be so damaging to people. I have described this disease in much the same way you did above so many. I pray the stigma will decrease — its hard enough to deal with the disease without having the stigma plague the person too!
Laura – thank you for sharing your story. I lost my youngest son Chris aged 29, on 28/7/14. Your paragraph: “We attribute mental illness to people who have violent outbursts or who mutter to themselves. It is true that mental illness does affect some of those people. But it also affects those who are kind and gentle, funny and a little quirky. It affects those who are smart, even brilliant, and yet suffer in silence because they fear the stigma of their disease. The truth is, mental illness affects so many.” – this really resonated with me – Chris was “kind, gentle, funny and a little quirky”. Stigma is still a huge issue. Chris had been trying to get help for several years, but had lost faith in the system, and then had a failed marriage. My heart goes out to you, we Mums know the pain. So much more needs to be done, and well done you! Claire
I lost my 17yr old son 4 months ago today. No one understand the fight I went through with him to find help. I lost the battle and the illness won. I would never wish this on any parent ever. I tried every thing I could find to help the hospital a mental hospital and even the courts no one wanted to help. I miss his love his smiles even his smell.
Laura, I am so sorry to hear of Chad’s struggle with mental illness and losing him to it. You are brave beyond words, as I cannot even imagine doing this work so soon after Chad’s tragic death. You see, I too lost our son to suicide due to a serious mental illness. As I read your story I could almost replace Chad’s name for our son’s in every single place, as you described the amazing, gifted, and loving son that he was and the course of his illness. The medications are brutal, and can actually CAUSE psychosis…for some it is a known side effect! We learned how limited the services are for those who struggle with mental health conditions. Four years later, I am still filled with tears and the pain of your/our “unimaginable loss”. I know the pain you and your family are going through…every day. We don’t have to imagine. Sadly, we know the loss…and only too intimately.
What you are doing is so very amazing and so absolutely necessary! Perhaps I will find a way to make a difference one day, as you truly are, along with others who are seeking legislative changes in Olympia. And I really agree with what you say when you say that “mental illness is not mental weakness” …that could be an entire educational campaign. But it is precisely that kind of thinking, along with the mistaken belief that perhaps , as you say, “if the person was stronger, had a more supportive family or if they could just get their act together, they wouldn’t have this problem”. We have felt that, and unfortunately that is exactly what brings shame and stigma to those with mental illness and their families. When we talk, when we share…others open up and share those they know who are struggling.
If you ever want to talk, please contact me. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family,
As a mother of a child diagnosed with PANS two years ago at the age of 10, my whole being feels your story. Mental health is so important, and it can be very hard for professionals to seek outside what they know to properly diagnose and treat. As a member of a rapidly growing group of parents in Washington state who share in the traumatic journey of fighting for their child’s mental health, I am ever so hopeful that Seattle Children’s Hospital becomes an expert in treating children with the heartbreaking condition of PANS/PANDAS. There is sufficient published research and ongoing research by other major institutions such as Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Georgetown, and the NIMH that support diagnostic work ups and treatment protocols for our beloved children. We, the parent leadership, in Washington State welcome true partnership with SCH as well to join the ranks of forward thinking leaders in helping our children with awful mental health issues caused by their brain being attacked in an autoimmune state get the healing they deserve!
I am so sorry for the physical loss of your beautiful son! It’s time to end the stigma…Great job, Mom!
My heart goes out to you! I too am a mother with a child suffering from mental illness, it had been my heart and passion to fight the fight and help reduce stigma! Thank you for telling your story and fighting this fight to educate others!
I’m sorry for your and your family’s loss. My little brother also has schizophrenia and that is one of my biggest fears..I also wish I could understand what he goes thru better…I also appreciate you the effort of trying to elimate the stigma that comes along with this disease
I am really sorry to read your story. We share similar stories. My son took his life on May 20, 2016, five days before his 25th birthday. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder his 1st year of medical school, November of 2013. This was the start of his manic and depressive stages. He was away from home so no one new the severity of his emotional state because he hid it well because of the stigma associated with it. But by the second semester of his second year he could no longer handle school. He came home in February of 2015. He turned around a got a job as a professional medical consultant analyst making $50000.00 started working April 13,2015 in Kansas Mo, he also started working on his MBA in August of 2015 at Texas A&M on line. He called me in March of 2016 stating he hated his job and wanted to come home. He came home April 11,2016 got a job at Geico in the management training program making $45000 and was to start June 20. When he came home he went inpatient for a week and then entered an IOP program. He went to a PA who added the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder. He felt a little bit of comfort because it explained the voices that he had not been admitting that he heard. But throughout all of this he was still changing his mind rapidly concerning careers and stated that he wanted to be a psychiatric nurse to help people like him. We had just finished paying for nursing school applications and getting transcripts sent. Then this happens. Too many changes in a short time frame. My baby’s mind was being tormented by voices, fear of doom with major anxieties. I woke up Monday morning checking his email and he had applied for a teaching position in China and they were sending him an offer letter. If he were in China I don’t know what would have become of him. I really feel he is in a better place because I never wanted him in the position to be off meds uncontrollable or inconsolable walking barefoot downtown eating out of trash cans. God is a merciful Father and he spared my baby from continual torment. Thank you Jesus
Not asking for money I would like you to view the video his friends put together for me and my family honoring his life. https://www.gofundme.com/mackhightower
Laura,
You story brought me to tears. Sadness for your family, but also tears of admiration for the courage it must take to share this. Thank you. I am certain you have helped someone else and will continue to do so.
Stay strong.
Thank you Laura for sharing your son’s story with all of us, my deepest condolences go to you and your family. I am changed and inspired by what you have written, yours is a story of loss and struggle but most importantly it is a story of hope, thank you so much.
Laura, thank you so much for sharing Chad’s story. You have written these words so eloquently. I also have an adult child who is suffering with mental illness. Your words give clarity and awareness about the stigma of those suffering from this often debilitating disease.
I especially love your quote:
“You see, mental illness is not mental weakness, although we often look at it that way. It is a disease much like heart disease, diabetes or even cancer, but we often act as if that is not true. We might think that if the person was stronger, had a more supportive family or if they could just get their act together, they wouldn’t have this problem.”
This clear summary brings tears to my eyes just thinking about how true it is, and how, as a parent, there was more I could do to help my child.
May God bless you and your family.
Hi Laura,
Thank your for sharing your story of your beautiful son! As a childhood survivor of a parent’s suicide due to severe depression, as well as a mother of children who may inherit mental illness, I do worry for my kids’mental health and how I can help them when they are no longer minors in the worlds eyes. I wish mental health was stressed at well child visits as much as height and weight and teeth cleanings are. Best of everything wonderful to you and your family.